My weight

 I am 37 years old. I am 5'11" tall. I currently weigh 310 pounds. I haven't always been a big lady. I was actually quite a slim little girl. I hit my tallest height at about 14 years old. From then on, I fluctuated between 160 and 195 pounds. I remember feeling especially fat before a dance my Jr. year in high school, so I worked really hard at exercising and eating well and was able to lose weight fairly quickly. But still, being as tall as I was, I was still fairly good looking. I remember trying to get into the air force my senior year and being told by the recruiter that I would have to lose 3 pounds because at 193 I was too heavy for their programs. I consistently wore a size 16 or XL my entire high school career.

I began college and while others began gaining weight, I actually lost 40 pounds in the first year or 2. I was down to 155 pounds when I moved home to go to school at ISU for my Jr. year in college. I had never felt so thin or so happy in my own skin. I was able to buy clothes in size 14 or even 12, and could buy shirts in size M!!  When Paul and I got engaged, I was over the moon excited that I was able to buy a wedding dress that was a size 12!

However, marriage changed things. All of a sudden, I had an entire family of toothpicks that seemed determined to make me feel like an absolute horrible person. Paul's mother, Mary, constantly told me what I was doing wrong. She told me things like "You need to make your bed every morning or Paul won't think you love him." or "Make sure you make him full meat and potatoes meals for every dinner or he will leave you." Plus she was always comparing me to Paul's older sisters. Paul's sisters weren't any better. Aniesha treated me like a child, and constantly told me things like maybe I had a thyroid problem - that's why I was so fat. Jeni wasn't around much at the beginning, but later in life she got in on the action as well. I was never good enough for their family.

My whole life, all I had ever wanted was to get married and have kids. When Paul and I got married, we moved to Logan, UT so that he could continue his schooling. However, this meant that I had to give up mine, since I had basically been kicked out of the program I was in at USU, which was why I had transferred to ISU. This was perfectly fine with me, as I had only really been attending school as something to do before my "real life" began as a wife and mother (in my mind anyway). So we weren't very surprised when I became pregnant 3 months into our marriage. I was so happy! 

But little did I know there was huge beast lurking. In the form of depression. Between my overbearing, manipulative mother in law and the sudden realization that my entire life as I had known it (as a single, college girl with only myself to think about) was abruptly coming to an end, suddenly, 6 months into pregnancy, when we moved to Afton, WY (a town with no support for me, and no plans for me to get a job and take my mind off of it), depression took over my world. 

When David Kirk was born, all of a sudden I realized I had gained 40 pounds, and then when Paul quit/was fired from his job in Afton, and we were suddenly back home living with my parents and our 2 week old baby... depression took over my world. As did depression eating. Not to mention the fact that nursing actually made me GAIN weight. Plus, living close to my mother in law again, I began to build a literal wall to protect myself from her. 

I began gaining weight without realizing it. It crept on slowly at first. Every baby after Kirk, I would lose tons of weight in the first few months due to morning sickness, but then would gain it back but with only an additional 5-10 pounds for the whole pregnancy. Nursing was an entirely different ballgame. I gained tons while nursing. The only pregnancy besides Kirk's that I gained was with the twins. I gained a ton even while being so sick, then when I lost them, I gained even more, and then when Garrett was conceived, I was so nervous to lose him that I refused to exercise. It was a snowball effect. I remember giving birth to Garrett at about 240 pounds. I believe when I had Emily I was up to 255 pounds. I remember when Emily was 6 weeks old and was so colicky, and Mary informed me that the reason she was crying so much was obvious. It was because she didn't want to live in our house. She told me this! To my FACE!  Then I began working at the store so my mother in law could rest while she did chemo. I was literally giving up my entire life for her, but she still treated me like garbage. There was even a time when she had her hospice nurse call to tell me that me and my kids were not welcome at her house because we were too much for her. I've never felt so broken. All I'd ever wanted from her was for her to love me. Instead I was pushed away, manipulated, and thrown to the curb. Mary died in 2016, but I couldn't break the cycle. I felt relief, but I couldn't get out of this vicious life I'd put myself in. By the time I finished nursing Abby, I was up to 330 pounds!!

Every time I'd commit to losing weight, something would stop me. There was literally something in my head that stopped me every single time. The only time I was ever successful at sticking with an exercise program (T25 - I finished the entire 10 week program), I lost maybe 5 pounds. The only time I was able to lose any weight and keep it off was when I was taking phentermine, but that only helped for a couple months. That's how I got down to 310. 

But it's time for a change.