Lisa's Life Lessons

 The biggest thing I've come to realize is that I've lost myself. The time I've truly been happy to be me and to love myself was my senior years of high school until I got pregnant and literally resigned myself to motherhood and wifehood. I lost Lisa. And it's time to find her again. So who is Lisa? I love music. I love all music. I love playing it. I love singing it. I love being in musicals. I love dancing. I love moving my body. I love puzzles. I love jigsaw puzzles, and mind puzzles, and puzzle books. I love to think through problems and come up with unique and creative solutions. I love math. It's crazy, I know. It just makes sense to me. But I lack the ability to explain math to others. I love people. I love being with people. I love making them laugh. I love making them smile. I love serving them. I love knowing the little details and helping make their day better just by sending the right note or drink or text at the right time. I love cleaning and organizin...

 Rome wasn't built in a day. But there are a lot of little things that I have lost in my day to day life. And I think it's time I go back to trying to do them. 1. Eat a decent breakfast every day. No Diet Coke and Doritos. Have some cereal. Or have some cottage cheese and fruit. 2. And while you're at it - make sure to actually eat lunch and dinner. Real, solid meals. Not just snacks. 3. Shower and get ready before 10 AM.  4. Put on some makeup. Even if you're not going anywhere. Just to prove you're worth looking special just for yourself. 5. It's OK to take a nap, but if you're doing it just to escape life, go for a walk instead. Or read a book. Or go for a drive. 6. Brush your teeth every night. I know right now it might be hard to brush twice a day, but brushing every night helps your mind know it's time for bed. 7. Go to bed with Paul. He loves you. Go to bed WITH him, and if you're still wide awake, get up again after he's asleep.

 As I mentioned before, I am 310 pounds. I hate seeing myself in the mirror. I hate pictures of myself.  However, I've been fooling myself. I have been extremely blessed. While I have friends, and even my own mother, who go to the doctor and are given reasons to lose weight, I have not. My BP is good. My pulse is good. My blood work all comes back fairly normal. All my hormones are ok. My thyroid is fine. Even my A1C is ok. I don't have diabetes like my mom (although I probably should). I don't have high BP. I don't have any heart issues. I tell people all the time that I'm fit as a fiddle, just fat as an ox. Well, that's a lie. And it's time I fess up to myself. The first thing that I was "diagnosed" with was a possibility of fatty liver disease. I had 1 blood draw that showed there was a possibility that was developing. That scared me a bit, but upon looking into it, I had no symptoms and it didn't look as scary as it sounded. So I just ignor...

 I am 37 years old. I am 5'11" tall. I currently weigh 310 pounds. I haven't always been a big lady. I was actually quite a slim little girl. I hit my tallest height at about 14 years old. From then on, I fluctuated between 160 and 195 pounds. I remember feeling especially fat before a dance my Jr. year in high school, so I worked really hard at exercising and eating well and was able to lose weight fairly quickly. But still, being as tall as I was, I was still fairly good looking. I remember trying to get into the air force my senior year and being told by the recruiter that I would have to lose 3 pounds because at 193 I was too heavy for their programs. I consistently wore a size 16 or XL my entire high school career. I began college and while others began gaining weight, I actually lost 40 pounds in the first year or 2. I was down to 155 pounds when I moved home to go to school at ISU for my Jr. year in college. I had never felt so thin or so happy in my own skin. I was...

 Paul and I have been doing counseling since the end of September. We were just getting started when his dad died, which put a huge slowdown on any progress. Obviously it wasn't time for me to address problems I had with him, and he struggled just to do the basics as he dealt with his grief and the ensuing crap show that followed with the estate. At this point (beginning of March), we are all kind of paused in the anger stage of grief, and I cannot wait until the trust is closed so that Paul can begin to heal. But in the meantime, I've had a few individual sessions with our counselor, and then unfortunately we had to change counselors because the first one was called on a mission pre-COVID, and was finally authorized to leave with her husband, but only given a 2 week notice. Anyway - we went forward with a different counselor.  I've had a few moments of clarity in this process. The first came when we realized that for some reason I do not feel that I am an equal to Paul. I ...