Medical Reasons

 As I mentioned before, I am 310 pounds. I hate seeing myself in the mirror. I hate pictures of myself. 

However, I've been fooling myself. I have been extremely blessed. While I have friends, and even my own mother, who go to the doctor and are given reasons to lose weight, I have not. My BP is good. My pulse is good. My blood work all comes back fairly normal. All my hormones are ok. My thyroid is fine. Even my A1C is ok. I don't have diabetes like my mom (although I probably should). I don't have high BP. I don't have any heart issues. I tell people all the time that I'm fit as a fiddle, just fat as an ox.

Well, that's a lie. And it's time I fess up to myself.

The first thing that I was "diagnosed" with was a possibility of fatty liver disease. I had 1 blood draw that showed there was a possibility that was developing. That scared me a bit, but upon looking into it, I had no symptoms and it didn't look as scary as it sounded. So I just ignored it.

The next thing - that I was told about 6 months ago - was that I have slightly elevated cholesterol levels. So what? I'm young. At least that's what I told myself.

Now the things that are starting to bother me. A couple months ago, I began feeling that I had a sort of hernia that would only hurt when I bent in a certain way. It was a hurt that I KNEW came from having too much extra fat in my gut right under my lung. But it never really bothered me. I had my doctor check it the other day, and while he didn't think it was a big deal, he suggested I get an ultrasound. (He also noticed a mole that bothered him more and wants to have it removed...). It might be gallbladder, or it might actually be the fatty liver disease. Regardless, I know it's something that I can fix with losing weight.

My shoulder is hurting so much more often lately. I know I need to exercise it in order for it to be strong.

My feet hurt. I know it's the extra weight I'm carrying.

I hate the fat flaps that hang over my thighs.

I hate how ripply my body looks.

But the scariest thing? I have had such severe chest pain at night the last couple nights. Last night I was almost convinced it was a heart attack. I was terrified I would die and my kids would never know the real me - the woman that is stuck in this body. My grandpa Syndergaard died of a massive heart attack at 65. I know I'm nowhere close to that age, but I am still worried that with my eating habits I may have a heart attack earlier than I should. And that's not fair.

Plus, I want to take my kids to Lagoon this summer and be able to ride the rides comfortably. I want to be able to run around the playground with them. I want to be able to go to my high school reunion (if they even have it) and feel good, or go to Paul's and have people say "What's a guy like him doing with a beauty like her?". 

I know I'm supposed to love my body. and I truly love all it has done for me. It has kept me safe. It has never failed me. I don't hide from the world. I continue living. But it's time for me to take myself back! It's time for me to be the woman I know I really am inside.

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